Just Passing Through

May I tell you something personal? I figured out on my own when I was only a kid that I was just passing through. You see, the times of my youth were not friendly to sissies, so Mother gave birth to just four hard headed boys to work the fields. I was the youngest, so I was always the tag-along. Her health broke and crops failed along with the economy, so Dad had to leave her in a state facility and take his workforce west to keep from starving. We left our farm and became “tramps.” We didn’t know that’s what we were until we got to California where residents laid it on us: “Fruit Tramps!” Not today’s politically correct “Migrant Workers,” or “Farm Workers.” No we were just a bunch of tramps looking for food and everyone knew what we did—we were just passing through.

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I used to watch freight trains whistle by with hobos hanging on them. I envied them because they got to travel and see the world free of charge. Me? All I saw was jungles of fruit trees, endless deserts of garlic fields and cotton patches, and I had to work! We lived in storage sheds, tents, board shacks, cockroach hovels, and once lived in a flee-infested sheep shed with a roof only five feet off the ground. Hooves had beaten the dirt floor into dust powder that puffed with every step, which we breathed without dying. We didn’t mind the fleas, but our backs ached from walking in the humped over position. We didn’t care. We just laughed and joked our way through it all. Why? We were just passing through.

The states we passed through passed a law that kids my age had to go to school. Fine. I passed through as many as five of them per school year. Make friends? Are you kidding? I must have worn those holes in my ragged pockets from ramming my fists into them with anger at the kids making fun of this tramp. I once played hooky for three whole months without anyone knowing it except my dog. That kind of tricky skill was probably why I later worked for the IRS for over a decade. Anyway, Dad dusted my britches for it, but I got over it quick because I knew we were just passing through.

I think we brothers sprouted from diapers with guitar genes. None of us got healed from it because we couldn’t quit picking at it. I once had the lofty notion of becoming a hillbilly star, and even made a dent in the effort, but just when stardom blinded me, my good old Uncle Sam tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Sorry, bub, but I want YOU!” Oh well, all that glitter was only a passing fancy, so I decided to go with Uncle Sam—especially since the law backed his claim for my body and soul for four long years, which seemed in my young mind to be forty. So I set my sights on the end instead of the middle and told myself, “It’ll be a long trip, but I’ll get there because I’m just passing through.”

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Smack in the middle of it the Good Lord cornered me at the altar of an evangelistic church. I tried to put Him off with, “But Lord, I’m too young for this. You see, I probably won’t hang around here for long because, well, I’m just passing through.”

He shot back immediately, “You don’t know the half of it. The WHOLE WORLD is just passing through! What you’ve got to decide is where you’re passing through TO!”

It was a no-brainer. Since I wasn’t the only one passing through, I figured I’d be better off to fix on the “TO” part. So that’s what I did.

That done, it’s as if the Lord stepped to my side and said, “Here, I want you to have this.” He gently slipped something into my hand. I lifted it and looked. There in my palm lay the most beautiful, sparkling diamond one can imagine!

My jaw dropped to my chest. “Lord! I can’t accept this! Who am I to merit such a priceless treasure? I’ve always been a bone-poor country boy. I haven’t done anything in my life to deserve it.” So I tried to hand it back to Him.

He just waved His hand and said, “No, I want you to have it. It’s true that you don’t deserve it, but I assure you, you’re going to really need this for what you’re about to pass through.”

So we were married on December 15, 1955.

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Sure enough, the Lord was right. Numerous were the times when that diamond bailed me out of scrapes where I’d been beaten bloody. But she never left my side, not once. You see, as I said, I was a poverty-stricken country boy from Oklahoma, but she was a poverty-stricken country girl from Arkansas. So we simply joined our poverties into one poverty big enough to last a lifetime. We never had anything, lived on nothing, and retired on the results. But that diamond never once complained. Now don’t take that wrong. She is a spirited woman. She keeps needle claws, stands firm on righteous principles, and can spit hard enough to put out a fire. She always did. In fact, she spat on me quite a bit. We got through the scrapes because we not only joined poverties, but because we joined mutual aims—Heaven. It made poverty fun because we both knew that we’s just passing through.

Two baby girls sprung out of us, so we told them from the cradle what they could expect from us, that we were only sight-seeing on the way Home, and that they should also relax and enjoy the ride. Well, those two little angels have hit the half-century mark, but they’re still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and, yep, like us, they’re just passing through.

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Our little family has seen a lot of sights go flitting by: Life’s mountain peaks, Grand Canyon gorges, shaky bridges, long tunnels, thick forests, and lots of desert, but the best part of seeing them was that we were only traveling, and that when we finally got tired of it we knew there was no place like Home.

You know, I found out in the Bible that everyone in there was just passing through like me. Take old Abraham: It says he was a “Sojourner,” a fancy word describing a guy passing through a strange land, living in tents, because he was looking forward to a City whose Builder and Maker is God. Come to think of it, that’s what I’ve been looking for all along. It reminds me of an old Gospel song nobody sings anymore that I haven’t heard since I was just a young squirt:

“This world is not my home, I’m just a-passing through.
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the Blue.
The angels beckon me from Heaven’s open door,
And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore.”

So that’s how it is. You can have all this fancy stuff they call glamour, luxury, convenience, security, stylish, thrilling, and comfortable. Give me my tent, walking stick, and camel, ‘cause I’m just passing through.

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—DA

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Message To America

The following is an article appearing in Days of Praise, a devotional periodical, by the late Dr. Henry M. Morris, creation scientist extraordinaire, founder and former president of Institute for Creation Research (ICR,  www.icr.org ). During the last half of the last century, this man transformed the way Christian society handled the onslaught of godless evolution. His colleague, Dr. Duane Gish, championed debate with evolutionists until they began warning one another against debating him because he always won. It was bad PR.

Dr. Morris was also an extraordinary Christian, Bible teacher, and theologian. He published The Defender’s Study Bible, the main commentary against evolution, a tool for Christians to defend themselves. This writer is a proud owner of one. While I sharply disagree with Dr. Morris in his Calvinist-slanted theology, he was and is a man I greatly admire as truly one of the great Christians of the Church age.

THOUGHTS OF THE HEART

“And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the Lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.”
(Genesis 6:56)

These two verses, describing the incurable wickedness of the antediluvian world, which finally brought on the global Flood, contain the first two of over a thousand occurrences of the word “heart” in the Bible. Note the contrast: man’s heart was evil; God’s heart was grieved.

Both the Hebrew and Greek languages treated the heart as the center of a person’s being, the seat of all feelings and thoughts, and we do the same in English. The writers knew that the heart was a physical organ, with its function of circulating the blood as basic to physical life. Leviticus 17: 11, among other Scriptures, notes that “the life of the flesh is in the blood,” but only rarely was the word used thus in Scripture. Nearly always the word is used symbolically in reference to the deep essence of a person’s being. It is also used occasionally to refer to the innermost part of physical objects (e.g., “the heart of the earth,” as in Matthew 12:40).

In this first occurrence it refers to the “thoughts” of the heart. Somehow, before one thinks with his mind, he thinks with his heart, and these deep, unspoken thoughts will determine the way he reasons with his brain. Jesus confirmed this in Mark 7:2 1: “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts.”

How important it is, then, to maintain a heart that is pure. In fact, in sharp contrast to the first occurrence of “heart” in the Old Testament referring to man’s evil thoughts, the first occurrence in the New Testament is in the gracious promise of Christ: “Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God” (Matthew 5:8). —Henry M. Morris

Here is a message America needs to hear, but almost no one is telling her. Great Christians of many faiths founded America on Christian principles. All Washington D.C. edifices give witness to that fact, as well as all the founding documents. It was a time when God was honored by the hearts of God’s people, the heart of the nation. Imperfect though we were, our hearts pleased God, and so He blessed us against our enemies. Time and again when we should have lost, God saw that we won against formidable odds.

But Dr. Morris’ text is very troubling. Man’s sin against God in the Garden of Eden “grieved Him at His heart.” Here is where we have gone wrong as a nation. America has grievously sinned in so many ways it is breathtaking! And this even to the point of thumbing our noses at Him and spitting in His face, or ruling Him completely out of existence with atheism! A few preachers paint God as a merciless, Holy God standing ramrod and stern toward everyone. But the great majority of preachers present Him as all mercy, extraordinarily tolerant of sin, a mixer-mingler with sinners, and that virtually every person naming the name of Christ, regardless of their conduct, is going to Heaven, while Hell virtually doesn’t exist, so it isn’t worth mentioning in the pulpit.

But there is far more to God being humanity’s Creator and God than we are giving Him credit for. The balanced view of Scripture shows God as the essence of pure equality. He is instantly standing ready to rejoice with those who bless Him and to “give them as the days of Heaven upon Earth,” (Deut.11:21) as well as Heaven hereafter, but also just as instantly ready to show His Holy rage by giving to us the days of Hell upon the Earth, as well as Hell in the hereafter! This is true from individuals to nations to the world.

America’s people of God who once properly blessed and honored Him have, through compromise watered down our doctrines, surrendered our offspring to godless teachers, generally cast ballots toward prosperity instead of righteous Christian principles, and have given birth to generations closer to barbarians than Christ followers. Yesterday’s Americans dumped sewage into underground septic tanks, but the ugly picture today is of elevated septic tanks that back-flush into American living rooms! It takes no Scriptural intelligence at all to see God’s reaction to this ugly scene. We have greatly offended Him and “Grieved Him at His heart,” to say the least, until He would have to apologize to ancient Israel if He were to simply bless us and fight for us.

In fact, we would do well to brace ourselves for Isaiah 63:10, “But they rebelled, and vexed His Holy Spirit: therefore He turned to be their enemy, and He fought against them.”

WAKE UP, AMERICA!
—DA

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Christian Predestination

(Romans 8:29-30)

PART ONE

The subject of predestination can only be in reference to the supernatural; it is foreign to atheism, except in terms of imagined space aliens, which drums up even more nonsense than religionists do. In reference to Christian theology, words such as predestination, Divine foreknowledge, and foreordination must be seen in perspective to the Divine, sovereign character and ability of the triune Godhead, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, three separate and distinct Persons, yet only one God operating in three capacities while remaining the composite whole of oneness. This truth is how the Scriptures throughout presents God to us, knowing that we finite creatures of His image cannot possibly comprehend it without becoming equal to Him in his Divine attribute of omniscience (all-knowing). That was exactly the Serpent’s temptation of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, “Ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil” (Gen. 3:5). We creatures of God’s creative hand must therefore always reason from a position of utter humility rather than the prideful vanity of our own intellectual prowess. This is true especially in handling such Divine expressions as the words in question.

Also vital to the understanding of such expressions is the truth that God’s triunity is expressed very early in Genesis in direct reference to the creation of Adam, and thereby the entire human race, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness” (Gen. 1:26). Note most carefully the “US” and “OUR.” The balance of all Scripture reveals their identity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It is so very vital to note that in perfect unison they decided to create by Divine fiat a finite creature patterned after their own triune image of authority, fore-planning, and personal freedom to live and move and have individual being (Acts 17:28), all of this with the specific Divine purpose of having another person, though finite, with whom God could share His fellowship outside His Holy Self. And so it happened exactly that way, and Adam and Eve walked in perfect fellowship with God in the Garden of Paradise. Until, that is, they exercised their image of individual freedom to disobey God’s clear directives against God’s perfect will in what He had planned for them.

Contrary to much erroneous doctrine, that disobedience did not annul man’s created image of authority, fore-planning, and individual freedom to live, move, and have being.
That image, dear Christian, IS us! It is who we are, and will always be, for what God created us to be lasts eternally one way or another. That truth is as certain as God’s image in us. Frankly, if we ever cease to possess that identifying Image, we will simply cease to be at all! But let’s be clear: That eternal Image in us is the very thing that will make for us Heaven Heaven or Hell Hell. We will either eternally realize the perfect use of that Image in Heaven or else suffer eternally the never-ending agony of being denied it to escape the flames of the judgment of God’s eternal wrath against His enemies. It is our choice. The image of freedom He put in us guarantees it. Hell without it would be like a lifeless granite statue under water that could never drown.

One aspect of this Image in us bears directly on our interpretation of what the words in question mean. You see, instinctively humanity, designed to enjoy eternal happiness with our Creator, quite naturally enjoys hearing the Heaven part of our eternal image, but just as naturally we want to turn a deaf ear to the bad news of Hell. As a result, we have a natural corrupt bent, knowingly or unknowingly, to construct doctrinal sidesteps, loopholes, and deflections against God’s fiery missiles of warnings against ungodliness, so as to persuade us to flee from the wrath to come. Such doctrines of convenient escape from bad-news warnings seem always to aim not at ditching worldliness and the cleaning up of our risqué indulgence and the practice of holy living, but are rather constructed to soften the bad news of possibly winding up in Hell. Always, the convenient slant is to the false notion that God is more tolerant of sin than we seem to think. That notion aims at allowing us to engage in worldliness but still enjoy the prospects of going to Heaven instead of Hell. It envisions God as throwing wide open His big, compassionate, merciful arms to a wide range of saints and deviants alike, allowing us to have Heaven’s cake and eating it too. Such convenience doctrines have taken many and varied forms down through the ages of history, such as Purgatory, the sale of indulgences, the notion that there is no Hell at all, or that Hell is temporary, after which we all go to Heaven. Of course, atheism gets rid of Hell by getting rid of God altogether!

However, some doctrines of convenience are far more subtle and extremely complex. Such was and is the sophisticated notions of the famous John Calvin. His definition of absolute predestination had (and has) God decreeing before creation to build two categories of humans, one to go to Heaven, no matter what, and the other created to go to Hell, no matter what. Despite Calvin’s explanation that the Heaven-bound should nevertheless live holy lives, in actual practice they are prone to live loosely simply because one cannot help being saved anyhow. A modern splinter of that aspect of Calvinism, operating in the mode of the Perseverance of the Saints, opts instead for what they call “Free Grace” in which holy living is not even a necessity. Modern teachers of the Free Grace idea are championed by such popular preachers as Dr. Charles Stanley.

Other theologians concluded that pure Calvinism was too severe, so they softened it to mean salvation is provided for all fallen humanity. However, those who opt to receive salvation believe the last half of Calvin’s notion kicks in: Meaning, once one does make the choice for salvation, it is Divinely decreed that it must remain that way forever, no matter what, including our free choice to back out of it. And, of course, this opens the black door of convenience into imagined Divine toleration, by which we can be saved, live as though we are going to Hell, but at last quietly do a flip-flop into Heaven. How convenient! In truth, though, any Christian who turns to sin, lives in sin, and dies by sin will find no mercy at the throne of our absolutely Holy God who judges us in light of what we do with his beloved Son. To excuse such travesty by saying that if they died in sin, then they were simply not saved to start with, is like plugging a gaping shell hole in a concrete bunker with cheese cloth and claiming it’s fixed. It flies in the face of common sense.

PART TWO

No one can deny that the great John Calvin was one of the most intellectual giants of the church age. Next to Martin Luther, he was perhaps the most influential as well. When studying the theological strains of this man we should carefully consider that he lived during the arrival years of the Renaissance, the era of the rebirth of the old Greco/Roman culture of intellectual humanistic thought. Calvin’s wealthy contacts allowed his father to send his young son to the best, most up to date, schools of his time. At a very early age young Calvin was meticulously taught the humanist culture until it was who, what, and how the patterns were to be in his gray matter all of his life. It became the powerful tools he employed to form and argue his later theological points of view of the Scriptures. In fact, his conversion to Christianity by all accounts was simply an intellectual decision, void of any fanfare or emotion. So much so that, of all his writings, he makes only one passing reference to it in his Introduction to the Book of Psalms. Even so, it still leaves intellectual heads scratching as to whether or not that was even what he had reference to, or if he was simply referring to his turning away from the Catholic Church. Whatever it was, from that moment he began formulating his rigid, logical, philosophical system of theology, which he described with the acronym, T.U.L.I.P., the meaning of which we will not go into here. Once formed, his formidable intellectual prowess challenged and won every debate by the sheer science and art of his mastery of debate, whether he was right or wrong in his theology.

However, Calvin, together with all who approach the Gospel through the power and pride of their intellect, run aground in truth by the sheer brute force of their own law of intellect. Inadvertently, he brazenly imposed himself into God’s own forbidden mysteries, and pressed on until he had a “perfectly” logical answer for Divine secrets which even Paul himself said was impossible for a man to utter (2 Corinth. 12:4). Paul also mentions the thing formed saying to it’s Creator, “Why hast thou made me thus?” (Rom. 9:20). Scriptural inference there says we can just as well ask, “WHEN (Divine Decrees) did you form me?” Or, more intrusively, “HOW LONG was it between your idea (foreknowledge) to create me and when you actually did it?” Further, “WHAT WAS YOUR REASONING behind making a decision (ordaining, predestinating) in the infinite past to create a batch of saved humans and another identical lost bunch for…come to think of it, when did you come up with the awful notion of Hell, anyhow?” Paul’s grand point of making his observation was the utter futility of even engaging in such useless intrusions into the Divine mind, the answer to which we in our fallen state cannot possibly comprehend now nor perhaps never will. In fact, the entire exercise in even attempting it can only be an indulgence of intellectual pride of one’s own mental powers. The intrusion amounts to the proverbial bull in the china closet horning around among precious things, which a bull’s nature knows nothing about. The same still applies today.

It must also be pointed out that Calvinism in any degree must in some degree hang its hat on the old Westminster Confession of Faith, which states unequivocally, “God did from all eternity, by the most just and holy counsel of his own will, freely and unchangeably ordain whatsoever comes to pass.”

But whether the Calvinistic theology be Absolute, Modified, Reformed, Presbyterian, Neo-Calvinist, Congregationalist, Particular Baptist, Reformed Baptist, Strict Baptist, Free Grace Baptist, Southern Baptist, Neo-Orthodoxy, Church of England, Church of Scotland, or even modified, rectified, qualified, certified or dignified, and whether the Divine Decrees were Sub-lapsarian, Anselmic Sub-lapsarian, Infra-lapsarian, Supra-lapsarian, or any other lapsarians, when all of that intellectual collection of theological ramifications of cranial speculation falls out to the man in the streets, he finds it overwhelming and meaningless to his own perceived reality of everyday living. All he knows for certain is that riding atop his shoulders is a sphere with the ability to decide for himself what he jolly well pleases, no matter if he is an atheist, serious Christian, an agnostic, or a nothing. He just knows for certain (what theologians call a Rational Intuition), that something is mysteriously missing in his soul, and he knows for certain when he hears some good news that will correct it. He knows for certain that he can accept it now and, if he wants to, can change his mind later and toss it out; he also knows he can reject it now and change his mind and accept it later. He is just naturally NOT confused at all about that part of his humanity. Why? Because it is something he does all the time, day in and day out, and that anything else is purely a figment of the imagination. How simple can THAT be? Any old John or Jane Doe seems to know those things about themselves by sheer instinct, and believes and behaves as if anyone who disagrees with that common sense has been standing too close to freeway fumes!

Such words as Divine predestination, foreordination, foreknowledge, decree, and others, although legitimate words of Scripture, have been pounced on by spoiled human intellect as a reflex to escape God’s long, holy, accusing finger at our guilt for disobedience. We have tried many dodging maneuvers in the past, but finally centered on a sophisticated system whereby we blame God by extolling His sovereignty over even our own free wills. It is unique in that while we laud and honor His greatness, we think we found lodging once for all, and warts and all, from further guilt by disappearing our finite wills inside His sovereign will where we can always excuse ourselves with “God is in control.”

It won’t work. Cover to cover, from Eden to the New Jerusalem, Scripture is a flashing billboard along life’s freeway telling every soul who ever lived that God longs to restore fellowship with every soul He breathes life into, none excluded. Each one is a very personal thing between that one soul and God Himself for the express purpose of intimate closeness and fellowship. It is a Divine love and longing strong enough that He would give His own Divine Son to make it possible. Lost people get saved, not because of Calvinist theology, but in spite of it. Once joined, the Infinite God is not there to be intellectually analyzed, but to be accepted at face value and worshipped as one’s Creator and Lord. The joining of Almighty God and a finite creature always leaves a Divine vapor trail of utter mystery, and He is shortchanged when we run behind Him to fix on the vapor trail instead of simply falling at His feet in worship and personal fellowship. If that is not what we do when we encounter Him, we have deceived ourselves in a false encounter. God created us as emotional creatures to emotionally react to Himself first of all. If we get emotional listening to The Grand Ol’ Opry, rock concerts, football games, soap operas, and comedy shows, but show up in God’s presence with dead-pan faces with starched shirts, and a two-by-four down our collars, then we missed our first purpose by a country mile!

It behooves us to reexamine the words in question as they appear in Scripture, and reinterpret them in light of literal and Scriptural reality of who God made us to be, instead of an intellectual construct of debated positional statements and humanist hatched ecclesiastical checkerboards of mathematical vanity. Ancient Israel tried it, but their faith became legalism and wound up crucifying the very Thing their entire system was supposed to be about. Paul, speaking prophetically to the Roman Christians in regard to God cutting off the Jews (the branches of the olive tree) and turning to the Gentiles (who had been grafted in), put it this way, “You will say then, ‘Branches were broken off that I might be grafted in.’ Well said. Because of unbelief they were broken off, and you stand by faith. Do not be haughty, but fear. For if God did not spare the natural branches, He may not spare you either. Therefore consider the goodness and severity of God: on those who fell, severity; but toward you, goodness, if you continue in His goodness. Otherwise you also will be cut off” (Rom. 11:19-22 NKJV). It behooves us to remember that the Jews’ rejection of their roots crucified their Messiah, for which God discarded their branches; Paul’s solemn warning against our failing to continue in His goodness is the identical reverse: we also crucify our Messiah if we fail to stand by faith. We fool ourselves if we think He will not also break off our branches, leaving only the roots available for His further consideration. As we serve our gracious God and Creator, let us fear Him as we adore Him.
—DA

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Muscles, Mooneyes, and Hairy

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ROMANS 8:38,39

The base plate of truth underlying our understanding of this Scripture may be illustrated using the following inane story:

Muscles Rockdale, a muscle-bound caveman shuffled toward his cavernous lair with a billyclub in one hand, dragging his happy chosen female, Mooneyes, by the hair in the other. She had fallen for Muscles because he was strong enough to kill a dragon, and owned the biggest cave around. She felt safe with him because he offered her lifetime security and she didn’t have to worry about a gorilla stealing her.

Skidding along on her back, Muscles pulled her right past the lusting eyes of his biggest rival, Hairy Chimpson, who gave her a beckoning wink. Hairy wore the latest fashion in leopard skin, slicked his hair with monkey grease, wore a diamond nose ring, and took the cave girls on frequent flights over the nearest volcano on his pet Pterodactyl. There he stood, handsome, dashing Hairy, with his streamlined club in one hand, a stalk of bananas in the other.

Mooneyes’ eyes lit up like geodes! “Whoa! Wow! Where did YOU come from, handsome?” Her heart palpitated like a lizard’s throat.

Hairy took advantage of the opening. “Hey, babe, why don’t you ditch this stick-in-the-mud and come away with me for a rollicking time of fun?”

Mooneyes looked at Muscles and what he offered, then back to Hairy. Security with Muscles, or excitement with Hairy? Ignoring the fact that Muscles had what it took to give her all the excitement she could handle, she still couldn’t refuse the dashing sparkle, the colorful leopard skin, the monkey grease, and especially the thrill over the mouth of a smoking volcano. Caught up in the moment, she reached inside her sheepskin, whipped out the newly invented pair of scissors Muscles gave her to make her happy, and clipped off her hair which Muscles used to drag her. Free now, she leaped on Hairy’s back and they disappeared on a grapevine into the trees, Hairy yelling his victory.

Yes, Muscles had truthfully shown himself to be Mr. Security with all the amenities Mooneyes could ever want. He could truly say that nobody, but NOBODY, was big and bad enough to whip him and take what belonged to him. But—Muscles overlooked one small detail: That gorgeous little gal had that trusty pair of scissors he gave her to make her happy.

So, Muscles, heartbroken, shuffled back to his big cave. He knew he couldn’t have her against her own will, unless he locked her in his cave and walled it in so she’d be a prisoner for life, scissors or no scissors. She was no good to him that way. She had to be free and his, or he couldn’t have her at all. Maybe someday she’d come to her senses and come back to him, but it would have to be her own idea, not his. Until then, there she was in the woods with Hairy because, well, that’s what she wanted. Hairy beat Muscles time, but not without Mooneyes’ free consent.

However, Dr. Piltdown Humpover, science professor at Gravelton University of higher learning, a man much higher on the evolutionary ladder than normal cavemen of his time, developed a complex formula requiring six whole banana leaves to record it—a formula so advanced that it contained very difficult two-syllable words between grunts, such as “Con-trol” and “Un-known,” comparable to our modern words like Supralapsarianism, and Supercallafragilisticexpeallidocious. His formula proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that even though Muscles gave Mooneyes those scissors for her use, Muscles, according to all those banana leaves, still owned and was in full and absolute control of those scissors all the time. Even though by all appearances Mooneyes did it, no way could she clip that hair on her head unless it was a mysterious plan cooked up by Muscles himself, not Mooneyes. No cave person could ever understand how that could be, but Humpover assured them that, no, it makes no sense now, but it will someday. Meanwhile, they should not trust what they on their lower evolutionary scale had evolved into calling “common sense.”

However, Dr, Humpover met an unfortunate end. You see, he developed a companion formula even more complex, using ten banana leaves to record it. Unbelievably, he also proved beyond a shadow of a doubt—are you ready for this?—that he could fly! To test his figures, he hired Hairy to take him for a ride on his pet Pterodactyl. At a great altitude, Dr. Humpover bravely dived off! But suddenly a mysterious force grabbed him and pulled him downward.  Hairy said he disappeared into the jungle below, still flapping his arms. He was never heard from again. His wife, Lucy, missed her Piltdown so much she never remarried.

It confirmed Mooneyes’ and Hairy’s belief that Humpover was completely out of touch with “common sense.” Nobody has ever been able to convince her that those bright scissors in her sheepskin are not her own, and nobody else’s. She just seems to know, banana leaves or no banana leaves.
—DA

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